Before Turning Over

Before turning over this book to my sister, I promised some more words from Jessica Lahey to commit to some form of memory bank in case my memory proves deficit for sure.

“One way to keep grades in their proper perspective and help kids gain control of their education is to shift your family’s focus off grades and onto goals.  Because goals are self-determined rather than teacher determined, they can be much more useful measurement of success.  When kids establish their own goals for learning, they gain a sense of ownership and competence. . . .

. . . . No matter how small or how nonsensical your child’s goals may seem to you, they are his goals, and you should respect that.  Even nonacademic, seemingly frivolous goals are important, because the process of setting goals is not about the goal itself, but the grit required to put a name to an ambition and see it through to fruition.  Simply taking the time to talk about the things they want to achieve over time shows kids that we respect their needs and aspirations.”

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“While scores and grades prioritize grades over learning, there is one aspect of modern report cards that is quite helpful, particularly when done well.  Narrative comments and feedback on students’ performance, according to research, are “better than grades at both promoting kids’ self-motiavation to learn and boosting their achievement.”  Elementary school teachers do a good job of providing feedback on report cards, but as soon as grades take over from narrative comments as the main method of evaluation, students and parents begin to lose out. “

“Your attitude about autonomy and grades will inform your child’s attitude.  It’s that simple.  She spends her days immersed in academic competition with her peers, fully aware of the relevance of grades to honor rolls and colleges, so why not be the the one person in her life who doesn’t fuel the raging fire of academic pressure and insecurity?  I’d much rather be the person my kid wants to talk to over dinner about that funny thing that happened to his friend after math class, the movie he wants to see next weekend, his hopes and dreams.  We have such a limited amount of time with our children as it is, so we might as well enjoy it while it lasts.  My favorite view on the value of failing in high school comes from longtime high school teacher Jonathan Shea, who has seen the pattern of try, fail, and try again play itself out over and over:

‘Students recover.  People do it all the time.  And the failure helps them learn about themselves.  First, they learn that people want them to be okay.  Second, they learn that they can overcome a problem, but that work and attention are more important than genius or perfection.  Students need to fail because this is when they learn to succeed.'”

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“If the unpredictability of our own journey is frustrating, the suspense that parents experience as we watch our children’s stories unfold is downright unbearable.  Because we can’t possibly know how their stories will end, their failures are all the more acute, immediate, and treacherous; more Shakespearean tragedy than quaint anecdote.

When my children make mistakes that endanger their own happy endings, the bottom drops out of my world, and in those moments there’s nothing I’d like more than to be able to flip to the end of their story and reassure myself that everything turns out okay.  Sadly, that’s not how parenting works.  We don’t have access to spoilers, and we can’t skim through the uncomfortable chapters in our children’s story arcs in order to skip to the happy ending.  Worse, we can’t even know if there will be a happy ending.

What we can do, however, is be patient, and trust in our kids.  As I watch my own children make their way toward their denouements and strategize goals that I may not even be around to witness, I have no choice but to focus on the details of their journey.  They are writing their own stories, in their own voices, with plot points of their own invention.  Their narrative is not mine, and I can’t edit them into perfection.”

 

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Guilty

1982

Because I am so guilty of everything the book implies I’m guilty of, I’m hoping typing the passages here would commit to memory what I need to practice more.

This is one of the gems I picked up from the Big Bad Wolf book sale and I am rushing to finish it because I want to pass it on to my sister who desperately needs to read it as much as I do.   If I could find this in Fully Booked, I’d grab a copy for her.

Okay, so here it goes: quotations liberally lifted to drum into my head, pour into my being.  I need to live this not just read this.  Imbibe the ideas not just underline them.  Apply the concepts, not just highlight the words.  From Jessica Lahey’s The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go so Their Children Can Succeed:

“I have inadvertently extended my children’s dependence in order to appropriate their successes as evidence and validation of my parenting.  Every time I pack my child’s lunch for him or drive his forgotten homework to school, I am rewarded with tangible proof of my conscientious mothering.  I love, therefore I provide.  I provide, therefore I love.  While I know, somewhere in the back of my mind, that my children really should be doing these kinds of tasks for themselves, it makes me feel good to give them these small displays of my deep, unconditional love.  .  .  . My kids will have their entire lives to pack their lunches and remember their backpacks, but I only have a very brief window of time to be able to do these things for them.

There’s a term for this behavior in psychiatric circles.  It’s called enmeshment, and it’s not healthy for kids or parents.  It’s a maladaptive state of symbiosis that makes for unhappy, resentful parents and “failure to launch” children who move back into their bedrooms after college graduation.”

I know this parent who still helicopters over the son who is nearly thirty years old and to a lesser degree, the other kids who are past forty.   This passage from the book makes me understand this phenomenon:

“The parenting pendulum swings back and forth over time, so the fact that it is currently hanging at its apex at the extreme end of the overparenting arc isn’t really anyone’s fault.  It’s part of the action and reaction that constitute the history of our species.  Early in the twentieth century, parents were instructed not to touch their children at all lest we spoil them, but by the time the nineties swung into view, experts had latched on to attachment parenting, in which we were instructed to sleep, eat, bathe, urinate and breath without ever letting go of our kangaroo-style infants.  Sure, the pendulum swung through a sane, middle ground between 1970 and 1980, and I am forever grateful I was allowed to play in its gentle shade as it passed overhead.  However, that golden moment of equilibrium was over much too soon, and we began our upward swing toward the place we find ourselves in today.”

So this current helicopter parent I know may not have been a helicopter parent in the 70’s but probably experiencing a backlash — guilt from underparenting the kids when they were young led to swinging the other way towards overparenting when the kids became adults.

It takes more time to teach a child how to clean a toilet than to clean the toilet ourselves, as is the case with about every worthwhile lesson . . . .

It’s easier for me to get velcro strapping shoes for Jimmy than shoes with those pesky shoelaces that takes too much time for him to master.  This morning, I stopped myself from helping Jimmy with his shirt buttons and instead watched him do it oh so much slower but on his own.

“. . . . doing what feels good has fostered a generation of narcissistic, self-indulgent children unwilling to take risks or cope with consequences, what will work?  What parenting practice can help our children acquire the skills, values and virtues on which a positive sense of self is built?

Parenting for autonomy.  Parenting for independence and a sense of self, born out of real competence, not misguided confidence.  Parenting for resilience in the face of mistakes and failures.  Parenting for what is right and good in the final tally, not for what feels right and good in the moment.  Parenting for tomorrow, not just for today.”

“Autonomy and independence are similar beasts, but their roots reveal a key difference.  Independence is the linguistic opposite of dependence, but autonomy is something more.  It comes from the Greek auto, which means “self,” and nomos, which means “custom” or “law,” so to be autonomous, a child has to have internalized a system of rules for living independently.  In order to help foster the formation of this self-rule, parents have to help kids come up with a system of guiding principles so they will be able to problem-solve and think creatively while remaining rooted in tried-and-true principles of behavior.  When parents are overcontrolling, kids tend not to think about why adn how they act in the world.  Their choice is to respond to our rules or not.  When they are given more control over their worlds out of our sphere of our sphere of influence, they are more likely to make solid, rule-based decisions.  It’s a win-win situation for parents really, because autonomy begets autonomy.  As kids realize they have control over their worlds, they want more control over their lives and become more responsible.”

1983

Above all, keep your eye on the prize: intrinsic motivation.  Protecting kids from the frustration, anxiety, and sadness they experience from failure in the short term keeps our children from becoming resilient and from experiencing the growth mindset they deserve.

Encourage competence in your child whenever possible.  Watch a child master fixing her own lunch, or listen to a teenager recount the moment he made a goal in soccer practice.  Competence and mastery are incredible motivators.  Once children get a taste of success, particularly success born of their own efforts and persistence, it becomes addictive.  This is the lovely thing about competence: it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

1984

I am not even half-way through the book, so will post another set of passages next time.

Helicopter Parents are Raising Unemployable Children

 

Discovering Sadhguru

Donna and I are hoping to attend the Asia Pacific Democratic Education in India next year.   Today, I chanced upon this video on Youtube while I was viewing videos on parenting which led me eventually to this interview about education and the Isha School. Just posting this here as a reminder that when we go to India, we must try to visit the Isha Homeschool.  It’s another school I definitely want to include in my research.

“Our social structures have created extremely complicated survival processes. A child’s ability to look at life with utter freshness and involvement is slowly disappearing. It is the duty and responsibility of our educational systems to bring that back. Education can never be a profession – it must be a passion. In the process of education, it is very important to see that the child does not lose his joyfulness, his spontaneity, or his ability to be truthful without any fear of consequence. At the Home School, we are striving to create the necessary platform where education is not about loading the child’s mind with information, but about making the child’s mind capable of razor sharp perception, capable of knowing life in its full depth and dimension. Education is about expanding the horizons of human experience and becoming inclusive. Only in a state of inclusiveness can the empowerment of education become a bounty all of us may cherish.”

– Sadhguru.

These are the videos on parenthood that directed me to the interview above.

And if those videos didn’t get you hooked (like me), here are some quotes from Sadhguru:

For those in China who don’t have a VPN and can’t open the videos because they’re from YouTube, here are some Sadhguru videos from Soku:

You can know only now

Why am I stressed?

What is the purpose of human life?

Receptivity

Around four years ago, a friend of mine was leaving China and she gave me a book that helped her go through a relationship crisis in her life — Mindful Loving by Henry Grayson.  I read some parts and saw her fuchsia pen marks and underscored passages but somehow the book didn’t resonate with me a few years back.  Yesterday, I went rummaging through stuff in storage and the book popped out of nowhere back into my hands and I read a passage and was hooked.  This time, I understood things more.  I don’t know what happened between then and now but our receptivity somehow opens up and what was incomprehensible before makes more sense in our current life.

But Albert Einstein had a profound awareness of our gross misunderstanding of who and what we are, and suggested a possible solution:

A human being is part of the whole that we call the universe, a part limited in time and space.  He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest — a kind of optical illusion of his consciousness.  This illusion is a prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for only the few people nearest us.  Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living things and all of nature.

Indeed, the reason we blame others – particularly our partners – for our unhappiness is that we do not recognize the two central aspects of our True Self: (1) that we are not separate, but interconnected to each other and the universe; and (2) that we are powerful beyond measure.

When we begin to realize our interconnectedness, that everything we think, feel, say, and do affects those around us in some way, then we begin to own our magnificent power to influence all our relationships.  We awaken as if from a bad dream, no longer able to view oursleves as victims to others’ feelings, behaviors or actions.  Now awakening to our True Self, we are able to move from ego-based relationships to more peaceful and happy relationships.

I was going to continue typing the passages but it’s easier to post them as photos:

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It is important to recognize, however, that we can never really separate, since all separation is an illusion anyway.

 

We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Program

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Although this blog is about a specific dream, I feel free to put in whatever catches my attention at the moment although you could say it’s related in that it’s still about how dreams of excellence can be realized.  This morning, there was an old issue of Fortune Magazine lying around near the kitchen, a relic from the past of 2006 and there’s an article that I ended up underlining.

Quotes from What It Takes to be Great by Geoffrey Colvin (Fortune Magazine, October 30, 2006):

In virtually every field of endeavor, most people learn quickly at first, then more slowly and then stop developing completely. Yet a few do improve for years and even decades, and go on to greatness. . . . . . How are certain people able to go on improving?  The answers begin with consistent observations about great performers in many fields.

 

The first major conclusion is that nobody is great without work. It’s nice to believe that if you find the field where you’re naturally gifted, you’ll be great from day one, but it doesn’t happen. There’s no evidence of high-level performance without experience or practice.

Reinforcing that no-free-lunch finding is vast evidence that even the most accomplished people need around ten years of hard work before becoming world-class, a pattern so well established researchers call it the ten-year rule.

 

The best people in any field are those who devote the most hours to what the researchers call “deliberate practice.” It’s activity that’s explicitly intended to improve performance, that reaches for objectives just beyond one’s level of competence, provides feedback on results and involves high levels of repetition.

 

The evidence, scientific as well as anecdotal, seems overwhelmingly in favor of deliberate practice as the source of great performance. Just one problem: How do you practice business? Many elements of business, in fact, are directly practicable. Presenting, negotiating, delivering evaluations, deciphering financial statements – you can practice them all.

Still, they aren’t the essence of great managerial performance. That requires making judgments and decisions with imperfect information in an uncertain environment, interacting with people, seeking information – can you practice those things too? You can, though not in the way you would practice a Chopin etude.

Instead, it’s all about how you do what you’re already doing – you create the practice in your work, which requires a few critical changes. The first is going at any task with a new goal: Instead of merely trying to get it done, you aim to get better at it.

 

Research shows they process information more deeply and retain it longer. They want more information on what they’re doing and seek other perspectives. They adopt a longer-term point of view. In the activity itself, the mindset persists. You aren’t just doing the job, you’re explicitly trying to get better at it in the larger sense.

Again, research shows that this difference in mental approach is vital. For example, when amateur singers take a singing lesson, they experience it as fun, a release of tension. But for professional singers, it’s the opposite: They increase their concentration and focus on improving their performance during the lesson. Same activity, different mindset.

Feedback is crucial, and getting it should be no problem in business. Yet most people don’t seek it; they just wait for it, half hoping it won’t come.

 

“Some people are much more motivated than others, and that’s the existential question I cannot answer – why.” . . . . . . The critical reality is that we are not hostage to some naturally granted level of talent. We can make ourselves what we will.

Sorry for chopping up the article that way, rather like a dismembered Frankenstein monster.  If you want to read the whole piece, it’s available here online.

It intrigues me why people are more motivated than others.  What makes people highly driven and why are others not as driven?   On the other hand, you want to appreciate people in their entirety and uniqueness.  Drive is just one aspect and for some it’s not as important or as much as a priority for others.  Some people impose their standards on others and wish people to be just as driven as them, or to at least increase their “drive” level to a more socially acceptable degree.  However, the internal workings inside each person is so one-of-a-kind, we can’t expect everyone to march at the same pace or to even have the same definitions of success.   Do you notice I’m going around in circles?

Sometimes, I am the subject of such expectations and sometimes, I am the one holding similar apprehensions.  So that explains the circle but in the end, we are only responsible and accountable for our own self.

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On a similar note of searching, I found THIS VIDEO that my sister, Denise posted on Facebook.  If you read the quotes above, you’d probably want to watch the entire video, too. Or if you skipped through the quotes to arrive at this end, you can click on the video link. 

 

How My Lola Loves Me

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The blog can be used as a form of cloud storage especially for people who need to be as portable as possible.   I don’t have a cloud so uploading photos onto my blog gives additional security on top of the external hard drive.  So here’s a book that I made after my grandmother passed away in February 2011.

My Lola was one of the greatest lovers I know.  She loved to love.  She lived to love.  She embodied one of the hardest things to master: unconditional love.  Sometimes it is so easy to say we love someone but what about somebody who is difficult to love, unlovable even, somebody whose redeemable qualities have all but disappeared?  What then?   Lola is a difficult class act to follow.  The challenge she gives us seems quite insurmountable at times.  But she gives us courage and she always taught me to lift everything up: “All for thee, my Lord.  All for thee my Lord,” she motions with her fingers puckered together in a kiss towards her heart, again and again, everyday, never tiring.

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Other things on my blog-cloud:

My Wedding Album

English Projects by My Students

Performances by My Students in Spoken English

My Portfolio of Articles, Chinese Diary and Other Stuff

Simply Stellar

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Project-based learning intrigues me.  A number of schools I aim to visit in America use this method.  I tried it out in the Chinese university where I teach and asked the students to work on their chosen project for three months and then exhibit their works at the end of the period.  In another country, this won’t be unusual, but in China, it’s quite novel because grades are always based on written tests.  The initial unfamiliarity with the concept proved challenging but the results were for the most part, stellar.  I hope it’s not just the biased teacher in me speaking, proud of my students but objectively viewed, they accomplished no small feat.

On my first two semesters as an English writing teacher, the final exam was a book project.  The students compiled all the articles that they wrote for class into a book that showcased their creativity and passion.  Lizzie captured the spirit of the project in her introduction:

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I have to thank my students for helping me find my own voice because in helping them find their voice, I was encouraged to rediscover mine.  I also did my own Book Project, compiled a collection of articles and handed them out to close friends as means of catharsis.

On my third semester, I wanted to push the bar and go all out on PBL.  There were times when I regretted taking on the gargantuan task with no administrative support but it paid off in the end when during the exhibit, you can see how many students came out of their shells and shone, bright stars that they are.   It was an explosion of creativity and people marveled and gawked.  Maybe there’s a bit of giddy exaggeration there but my two American friends who were guest judges can attest to the day’s powerful impact.
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Hundreds of people went to the exhibit and the students were surprised and moved by the attendance and the attention their projects got.  They answered questions thrown at them by oglers like professional subjects of media interviews.  They went around checking out the “competition” and felt everyone had their unique piece to say.

For their final exam, each student wrote a reflection paper on the feedback that they got during the exhibit, their opinion about other projects and lessons learned throughout the three-month long process.  I chose and photocopied some of the papers intending one day to sit down and write an article about the whole PBL experience in China.  That day may be today or not.  Perhaps I’ll prepare something more analytical and in-depth later but for now, I’ll let the students’ speak for themselves.

They are uploaded here on Slideshare:

 

Project Reports by the Students

Pictures of the Exhibit

Pictures of Book Covers by Students

 

To My Students:

I apologize that Slideshare is not available in China.  I’m sure you would be happy and excited to see your reports, pictures and book covers included in the collection.  If you have a VPN or know somebody who does, you can click on the links above.  Thank you again for sharing your amazing talents and creativity. You don’t know what a privilege it has been for me to see you stretch beyond what you are usually capable.